Purgatory - However They Want
by starshwer
Summary: It was killing Dean. Or at least, that's how it felt. He would wake up in the middle of the night, that tightness in his chest, cursing himself for letting Cas let go. Spoilers for S7 and S8 spoiler clip.


**Title:** Purgatory – However They Want  
**Author:** starshwer  
**Pairing:** Dean/Castiel  
**Rating:** M  
**Word count:** 1548  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** Everything through Season 7, AND the Season 8 spoilers.

**Summary:** It was killing Dean. Or at least, that's how it felt. He would wake up in the middle of the night, that tightness in his chest, cursing himself for letting Cas let go.  
**Disclaimer:** The characters aren't mine, and I am DYING to watch the Season 8 premiere tonight.  
**A/N**: The final of my ficlets based on Purgatory. Source of inspiration is at the end.

**-However They Want-**

It was killing Dean. Or at least, that's how it felt. He would wake up in the middle of the night, that tightness in his chest, cursing himself for letting Cas let go. For letting Cas make the decision to save him, get him out Purgatory, but stay behind himself. He and Sam had been looking for months and hadn't found anything. Any spell, any ritual, any being powerful enough to pull one broken angel out of the darkness and back into the land of the living; the lack of progress was killing Dean.

Dean's memories of the time he'd spent with Cas in those dark woods were all he had left of the angel. The times they'd sat back-to-back on the far too long nights, watching for movement. Followed by them falling asleep in the dusky morning light, heads touching. The time Cas had been knocked unconscious in a fight and Dean had cradled his dark head in his lap, stroking his unshaven face, running his fingers through dark hair, trying to not mutter things like "You can't leave me here alone, Cas" and "Just wake up and look at me damnit" and "I'm sorry tears keep dropping on your face, I have no idea where they're coming from." Cas had opened his eyes, squinted at Dean a moment, and said "How many freckles do you have?"

Or the time he'd come on Cas crouching by the river, just staring, and when he'd come to stand next to him, neither had said anything, they'd just stared at the water running past until Cas was ready to get up and keep going. Or after they'd met Benny and the three of them were always together, fighting and scrabbling and trying desperately to find the things they needed to open the door, but Cas had never trusted the vampire, never left him alone with Dean. But then Benny was off finding information and Cas and Dean were alone for the first time in a long time and they'd just sat together, shoulders touching, hands brushing, just enjoying being near each other without having to say anything.

Or the time they'd narrowly made it back to the cave, Cas set the warding on the entrance and they both tried to catch their breath. Dean had slapped him on the shoulder "That was close." And Cas had just looked back at him "That was too close." But Dean just laughed "We made it, we're still here, that's all that matters." His laughter was abruptly cut off when Cas grabbed him by the shirt and pinned him against the wall, face just inches away, "That was _too_ _close,_ Dean. You need to be more careful. Because I couldn't stand it if you—" he looked away, "I cannot let anything happen to you." Dean found himself clutching the edges of Cas' bedraggled coat, pulling the other man closer "Nothing's going to happen to me, Cas. I'm not going anywhere." The angel looked down at where his hands were fisted in Dean's shirt and Dean leaned forward and rested his forehead against his friend's, just breathing. The silence stretched between them until the crunching approach of Benny forced the apart.

Or the time Dean had tangled with a skinwalker and gotten cut up. Benny had taken one look at the tense silence in the shelter as Cas bandaged Dean's arm and in a very Sam-like manner excused himself to go "out…for some…stuff…for a while." Dean grimaced at the pain, as Cas wasn't exactly being gentle, "It's just my arm Cas. I'm fine."

The angel finished and walked away, "You were reckless."

Dean rolled his eyes, "I did what I had to do."

Cas stood, back to him, shoulders tight, hands flexing and fisting, "You are mortal Dean." He whirled and crossed the room to stand in Dean's personal space, "You are merely mortal. If you are killed here, I don't know what will happen to you. The creatures that reside in Purgatory are already dead and are simply reborn, but you are not meant to be in this place."

Dean couldn't meet his eyes, "I know."

"Do you?" Cas retorted angrily, "You certainly don't act like it. You act like you're immortal. Like nothing can touch you. Nothing can harm you." He gripped Dean's arm over the fresh cut, pressing painfully into the broken flesh, "You are the most vulnerable being in this place and yet you act like you are invincible."

"Cas-"

"When will you understand that you are my responsibility? I have to get you out of this place and back to Sam."

Dean had taken enough of this. "And what about you Cas?"

The angel pulled back a step at Dean's sudden flaring anger. "I belong in this place."

"Bullshit. As far as I'm concerned, you repented of your sins when you fixed Sam's head. You being here? That's my fault. You didn't want anything to do with the fight and I pulled you back in." He backed Cas against the opposite wall, grasping his arms, invading his space. "I'm the reason you're here, so if I'm your responsibility then you're mine."

"Dean." Cas protested faintly.

"Just-" Dean closed the gap between them, kissing Cas roughly until the angel pulled away gasping. "Cas," Dean looked down at the other man's parted lips and then back up to his blue eyes. When he saw the acceptance there he smiled and kissed him again, softer this time. Tasting, feeling, exploring, memorizing. Cas' hands found their way into his hair, his hands found their way to Cas' hips. When his hands slid under the angel's shirt and touched bare skin Cas whimpered and rolled his hips causing Dean to groan and pull away. "God, Cas."

Cas repeated the motion, "Don't say that."

Dean groaned again, "Cas, I need-" he rucked up Cas' shirt and dragged his nails up Cas' spine. Cas in turn arched into him, recapturing his mouth, biting his lip, pulling him in so close he couldn't tell where he stopped and Cas began. Dean could feel Cas' erection pressing into his thigh and without a second thought broke the kiss and slid down to his knees. He paused for a moment there, looking up at Cas, giving him a chance to back out, but the angel's head just fell back against the wall. Dean pulled his eternally dirt-stained pants down and took Cas' cock in his mouth. He came with a cry, his hand tightening in Dean's hair, and Dean swallowed him down without complaint.

When Benny came back some time later they're sitting side by side, touching from shoulder to ankle. Quiet and calm.

But here, now in the real world, Dean is dying on the inside. He and Sam are in a convenience store, separated to pick up individual supplies, when Dean makes his decision. When they meet at the register he slams a bottle of lube on the counter, startling his brother.

"Dean?"

"We're getting Cas out of damned purgatory and then I'm going to fuck him."

Sam just stood in stock silence for a moment, "I can't tell if this is touching, romantic, sad, or just repulsive."

But Dean is now a man on a mission because there was that last time…

Cas pushed Dean up against the wall, biting into the muscle where Dean's shoulder met his neck. Dean twisted his hand on Cas' cock, causing him to bite harder, and Dean groaned his head thumping against the wall. In a swift movement he swung the around, pinning Cas against the wall, rocking against him.

"Dean" Cas groaned, "Please."

"I can't-" Dean sucked in a deep breath, "We don't have any lube and we don't have enough time for prep without it." Cas' hips rolled against his and he moaned at the friction, "We need more damn time!" With an internal groan of frustration he twisted his hand again and worked Cas off. In turn Cas did the same and they were off and running to meet Benny. Because of the door, the door that was only there once a year was coming around again and they would be damned if they would miss it.

But Cas did miss it. In the struggle that was them trying to get through, but keep everything else from getting out as well, Cas stayed behind. He let go of that dream of ever getting out and Dean watched the door slam with Cas still on the other side.

But now, it's been a year, and the door's showing up and Dean will be damned if he wasn't going to punch it open and haul his angel out by his dirty trench coat. So he does, and Sam politely gets a different room and Dean takes the time to teach Cas how to go slow and listen, and draw it out, make it last. He shows him how much better it can be when it's in a bed, or in the shower, or even on the carpet of the motel room. Lastly he lets Cas know that from here on out they get to choose. It can be fast if they want or slow, hard or soft. From this point forward it's going to be however they want it.

**A/N:**

Inspired by this comment on tumblr:

"hahah maybe i'll write it. Maybe it will be angsty while cas is still stuck. I also want a drabble where the boys are in a convenience store and Dean very openly and determinedly slams a bottle of lube onto the counter and sam is like "wtf dean" and  
Dean is like "We're getting Cas out of damned purgatory and then i'm going to fuck him." Because he's in a very determined mode and they didn't actually fuck fuck in purgatory because no lube and no time to prep without. And sam's like "I can't tell if this is touching, romantic, sad, or just repulsive." "

Sadly, I didn't mark the exact location and now I can't find the liked post. Jeeze, my brain some days. Anyway, if anyone wants to point me in the right direction for giving credit where credit is due (or take proper credit for it) you'll get all my love and kisses.

If you look for me on tumblr I'm under [blog/flatbreadgod]


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